erkekligin kitabidir. how i met your mother'in ilk sezon, on dorduncu bolumunde barney stinson tarafindan dile getirilmistir. kitap halinin varligindan ise ucuncu sezonda haberdar olmusuzdur.

butun google'da kelime kelime bulunabilecek olsa da bazi kisimlarina erisilmek cok guc ve ayrica kanunun kendisi, kanunun baskalariyla paylasilmasina izin veriyor, ozellikle dokuzuncu duzenlemeninin izini goz onunde bulundurulursa, bir bro kar ettigi surece basabilir bu kodu. ben de oyle yaptim ve butun ses kayidini google'de hazir bulamadiklarimi da el emegi seklinde temize cekerek, paylasimda bulunmak istedigimi belirtmek ve koddan izin alarak, daha fazla uzatmadan butun bro'larin (daha dogrusu ingilizce bilen, britanyanin kopegi durumundaki brolarin) huzuruna sunmaktan gurur duyarim:

dedication

for me, the best bro i know.

introduction

this is barney stinson, whether we know it or not, each of us lives a life governed by an internalized code of conduct. some call it morality. others call it religion. i call it "the bro code."

for centuries men have attempted to follow this code with no universal understanding of what such an arrangement meant: is it okay to hug a bro? [never] if i'm invited to a bro's wedding, do i really have to bring a gift? [nope] can i sleep with a bro's sister or mother or both? “dude, come on.” now, for the first time i have transcriped the rules of social decorum that bros have practiced since the dawn of man...if not before. previously existed only as an oral tradition [heh], so i have journeyed the globe to piece together and transcribe the scattered fragments of the bro code, pausing only to flesh it out myself [heh heh]. i’ve also included a handy pdf file with printable material that will further illustrate many bro code articles. while not intending to write a "guide to being a bro," if men should treat it as such and pass this compendium of knowledge from one generation to the next, i have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye. but not out of it. that would be a violation of article 41: a bro never cries. with a better understanding of the bro code, it’s my hope bros the world over can put aside their differences and strengthen the bonds of bro-therhood. it is then, and only then, that we might work together as one to accomplish perhaps the most important challenge society faces -- getting laid. before dismissing this pursuit as crass and ignoble, consider this postulate: without the sport inherent in trying to bang chicks, would men willingly have sex for the sole purpose of producing smelly, screaming babies? [of course, not] centuries from now, when a bro applies the rudiments of the bro code to score a three-boobed future chick, the only thanks i'll need is the knowledge that i -- in whatever small capacity -- bro'd him out...though if he could figure out how to bring me back to life, that would be pretty awesome, too..

what is a bro? you've probably heard the word bro use liberally at your local bar or gym. perhaps you seen it recklessly confused with dude or guy in an adventure themed soft drink commercial. maybe even you, yourself have unwillingly tossed out a bro when asking a stranger to time but an important distinction must be drawn. just because a guy is a dude, doesn’t mean that dude is a bro.

question: what is a bro?
answer: a bro is a person who’d give you the shirt off his back when he doesn’t wanna wear it anymore. a bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone else over backwards. in short, a bro is lifelong companion you can trust always be there for you unless he’s got something else going on.

question: who is your bro?
answer: your mailman is a bro. your father was once a bro and the boy who mowns your lawn represents the bro of tomorrow but that doesn’t make him your bro. when someone is faithfully upheld one or more of the codes in the bro code, then you may consider him your bro.
warning: excercise caution when bringing home a hot chick. your brother may or may not be your bro.

question: can only dudes be my bro?
answer: you don’t need to be a guy to be someone’s bro. provided you uphold the moral values contained within this sacred cannon. when a woman sets up a guy with her busty friend she’s acting as a bro and if she sets him up with other hot friends after he slept with the first one and never called again then she’s officially his bro.

brocabulary: as you listen to the bro code you may come across some words and terms you never heard before many of them has been placed in the glossary, found in the pdf file so you can familiarise yourself with the bronacular. while bros are always encouraged to spread the truth of bro code, they’re also cautoned against over-using bro such bro-liferation cheapens the important mission of this book and nearly as importantly makes you sound stupid.

appropriate bro usage: nebrolian, tom broca, bro jackson, teddy brosavelt, broce springsteen.

inapprpriate bro usage: broan of arc, brobara walters, bro j simpson, gerardine ferarbro, broko ono.

origin: well the story of the bro code is not nearly as simple and elegant as god, handing down some stone tables to broses. its origins weave all the way back to dawn of humanity. in the beginning there was no bro code. which was unfortunate for the worlds first bro’s cain and able. lacking an agreed upon set of social princeples, cain killed able and commited history’s first bro-aside. as punishment cain was doomed to walk the earth alone. why? because without a wingman, he had absolutely no chance to meet chicks. centuries later, a bro from sparta and a bro from troy got in a fight over a chick named helen. i know, helen doesn’t sound hot but allegedly she had a face that launched a thosand ships. so you can just imagine how her rack must look like. the two bro’s waged a terrible war over this chick. a war which could have been avoided had the bros been familiar with the most basic bro code: bros before hoes. troy put of a good fight but spartan navy was very powerful. soon hordes of spartan seamen burst through the trojan barrier and helen got half the gold for the next eighteen years. hundreds of years later in the appropriate city of philadelphia, the city of bro love, a little known delicate named barnabus stinson put together what is now considered the earliest attempt to record the bro code. over the years bros have ammended and added rules but stinson’s elegant words remained as the glorious preamble to the bro code. well the original document is housed two stories beneath sea level and the undisclosed vacuum sealed bulletproof chamber, i was able to gain access long enough to manufacture a replica which i will now recite.

“july 4, 1778
the bro code
when in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for bros to settle a dispute, decent respect to the opinions of bro kind requires that they should declare the causes which impelled them to argue. though prudent says its probably a chick. we hold these truces to be self evident that all bros are created equal. though not necessarily with the same good looks or sense of style and that they are endowed with the certain inalianable rights. that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of tail. to secure these rights we present the bro code. it is the right of bros to alter or to abolish it and to instutue a new code. but lets face it, that’s a lot of work. be it here resolved that henceforth when and if two gentlemen covered the company of the same wench. the bro who first called dibs on said when shall be entitled sufferrance for such time as it takes to reasonable strike out or the duration of one half of an hourglass, whichever comes first. at no point is it permissible to a bro to violate this right and code piece block his bro even if he had consumed copious quantities of ale.”

article 1: bros before ho's.

the bond between two men is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women. that's just science.

did you know?

article 1 can trace its genesis all the way back to genesis. no, not the peter gabriel/phil collins pop triad, but the biblical book.. the discovery of the dead sea scrolls has unearthed a once-lost passage that documents the earliest infringement of the bro code.

book of barnabas 1:1

and everything of need was provided in the garden. fruit, water, companionship. but one day, adam came upon a naked chick, eve, and desired her olive leaf. and so adam wenteth behind an apple tree to know eve, totally ditching his bro, phil, who had knicks tickets. courtside. long story short, humankind became self-aware, paradise was lost, and well, we all know what happened to the knicks.

article 2: a bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his bros are all doing it.

note: had butch cassidy come charging out of that cabin alone, people would have been like, "dude, come on.". if only one spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would've been like, "dude, come on." if only tommy lee had worn eyeliner in the early days of motley crue, people would have been like, "lady, come on." the license to be stupid is why we have bros in the first place.

article 3: if a bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.

corollary: naming a lap-dog after a pro-wrestler or a character from a steve mcqueen movie does not absolve a bro from this article.

article 4: a bro never divulges the existence of the bro code to a woman. it is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason.[no, not even that reason.] note: if you are a woman reading this, first let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math. second, i urge you to look at this document for what it is a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. i mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within. those boots are adorable, b-t-dub. [psst, hey guys: ignore what i just say the bro code is definetly not a piece of fiction i was simply lying to uphold this very article.

article 5: whether he cares about sports or not, a bro cares about sports.

article 6: a bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other bros in a gym locker room.

corollary: if a bro gets naked in the locker room, all other bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while at the same time immediately averting their eyes. when in doubt, remember the old adage. if your towel drops to the ground, so should your eyes.

article 7: a bro never sends a greeting card to another bro. there are no sentiments between two bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. the following are a few e mails for any bro-cation is simply to get message across without costing you trouble and expense of having find and then send a greating card

emails for any brocation:

sympathy:
to: bro
from: bro
subject: dude
"sorry bro"

congratulations:
to: bro
from: bro
subject: bro
"nice bro!"

get well soon:
to: bro
from: bro
subject: brooo
"don't give up bro."

happy birthday:
to: bro
from: bro
subject: dude
"drinks on me bro!"

thinking of you:
to: not applicable
from: not applicable
subject: not applicable
"not applicable"

article 8: a bro never admits he can’t drive stick even after an accident.

article 9: should a bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow bros will not make lame jokes such as "gimme three" or "wow!! quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball!!" it’s still a hi-five and that bro still has a lot of balls, metaphorically speaking of course.

article 10: a bro will drop whatever he is doing and rush to help his bro to dump a chick. it’s normal for a bro to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. for some reason he is worried she will become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to hook up with her friends. this is when a bro most needs his bro to remind him that there are plenty of chicks in the ocean and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful or even time- consuming.

how to dump an chick in 6 words or less?

- “maybe try a side salad instead."

- “cute!! you ‘re growing a moustache too!!"

- “she looks like a younger you!!"

- “i will finance a boob job."

- “sorry, i threw your shoes out."

- “your sister let me do that!!"

article 11: a bro may ask another bro to help him move. but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large furniture pieces. if the bro has vastly underestimated, either his bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are, in most cases stuck in a door-way.

article 12: bros do not share dessert.

article 13: all bros shall dub one of their bros his wingman.

article 14: if a chick enquires about another bros’ sexual history, a bro shall honor the br-ode of silence and play dumb. better to have women think that all men are stupid than to tell the truth.

article 15: a bro never dances with his hands above his head.

article 16: a bro should be able at anytime to recite the following reigning champions: super bowl, world series and playmate of the year.

article 17: a bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers unless they are beneath him on the pyramid of screaming. america was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder and the tradition has been screamed from generations to generations. but you just can’t scream at anybody. you can only scream beneath you. to illustrate how this works there is a scream pyramid for a professional football team, as well as my own coorparate scream pyramid in the pdf file. there is also a blank scream pyramid for you to fill in. if you’re not sure where you fit, you can always trick a bro-worker in to screaming at someone and see where the pieces fall. that’s how i figure out i was above the vp of synergy

important note: if you find yourself at the bottom, don’t fret. the beauty of the pyramid is, that you can always add a layer to the foundation. the janitorial crew, the sleepy-eyed security man or anyone who doesn’t speak english are the great places to start.

article 18: if a bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group.
note: to avoid confrontation it’s a good idea for the bro to jettison the recipe before returing to the party.

article 19: a bro shall not sleep with another bro’s sister. however, a bro shall not get angry if another bro says "dude, your sister’s hot!!".

corollary: it is probably better for everyone if bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other bros are coming over. when in doubt refer to the check list for bro-proofing your home in the pdf file.

article 20: a bro respects his bros in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to sunday.

article 21: a bro never shares observations about another bro's smoking-hot girlfriend. even if the bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the bro by saying "she's smoking-hot, huh?" a bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he's the only one who should be baiting.

article 22: there is no law that prohibits a woman from being a bro. women make excellent bros [why?] they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the chick code.

do chicks really have their own code?

yes i’m affraid so. one morning just before stepping out the door while my host is in the shower. i happened upon a copy of rumoured about tome. i didn’t have much time to flip past the pink bedazzaled cover but here’s some of the phrases i remember seeing on the frilly pages in it.

“a chick shall not be sleep with another chick’s ex-boyfriend unless she does.”

“a chick never pays for anything, ever.”

“if two chicks get into a fight, they shall make caddy remarks and pretend to ignore each other rather than simply stripping down and wrestling it out.”

“if a chick hears a chick empowerement song, like ‘i will survive’, she shall stop whatever she’s doing, grab another chick’s hand and shriek the lyrics to top of their lungs.”

“a chick may get a dog as a pet but only if it fits in her mailbox.”

“if two chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right of accidently spill a drink on the other.”

“a chick shall not operate a motor vehicle in a safely manner.”

”a chick has a free pass to slutted up on halloween”

article 23: when flipping through tv channels with his bros, a bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. this includes but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics, and on some occasions surgery programs.

article 24: when wearing a baseball cap, a bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o'clock. all other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.
article 25: a bro doesn't let another bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girls name. the average relationship between a man and a woman lasts 83 days. the relationship between man and his skin lasts a life time and must be nurtured because the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has. barney stinson’s field guide to tattoos is convinently located in that pdf file

article 26: unless he has children, a bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.

article 27: a bro never removes his shirt in front of other bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach.

corollary: a bro with a coat of fur on his back, keeps that thing covered at all times even at resort, pool or beach. [sorry, bro]

article 28: a bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro to the existence of a girl fight. a bro must in a timely manner comunicate the possibilty of fistucuffs between two humans of the female variety. henceforth, girl fight. in an affort to make it possiable and probable that another bro or bro’s can partake in observation. a timely manner is open to interpretation based on the intitial bro’s viewing and proccesing of the potantial feminen conflagration. said bro must use any/or all methods of media distrubition at his disposal including but not limited to: telecomunications, elbow nudging, carrier pidgeon, fiberoptics, shouting, postcards or telepathy. if an informed bro is unable to witness the girl fight first hand; the spotter bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video or barring any other reasonable method; interpretive dance and/or pantomime.

article 29: if two bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40pm. also despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.

article 30: a bro doesn't comparison shop.

article 31: when on the prowl, a bro hits on the hottest chick first because you just never know.

article 32: a bro doesn't allow another bro to get married until he's at least thirty.

article 33: when in a public restroom, a bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, "what is this, a chicks' restroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to basketball toss his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball.. rebounding is optional.

article 34: bros cannot make eye-contact during a devil's three-way. [two dudes]

article 35: a bro never rents a chick flick.

article36: dd: when questioned in the company of women, a bro always decries fake breasts. when in conversation in a woman, fake breasts may appear but sadly in the form of a trick question. don’t be fooled and the thinking you have a prepared speech on the beauty of the natural human form will get you out of it.

the wrong way to handle fake breasts: [huh, huh]

“ugh, her breasts are so fake.”
“totally, unnatural is unsexy.”
“so, you’ve been staring at her breasts, huh?”

“ugh, her breasts are so fake”
“whose?”
“you know what i’m talkin about.”
“ow, yes those must be fake.”
“so, you’ve been staring at her breats, huh?”

“ugh, her breasts are so fake.”
“no?”
“well then why don’t you just go marry her then?”

the right way to handle fake breasts:

“ugh, her breasts are so fake.”
“i wouldn’t know.”
“oh, well they are.”

article 37: a bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. if women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. honestly they're not that heavy.

article 38: even in a fight to the death a bro never punches another bro in the groin.

article 39: when a bro gets a chicks number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.

ask uncle barney!

question: i’m confused if a woman gives me her phone number, doesn’t that mean she wants me to call her? why do i have to wait so long?
answer: bro-flation. an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how bros should act. you call a woman the next day, she tells her friends that you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. before you know it, bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships and all because you couldn’t wait 96 little hours.

question: okay, i’ve waited 96 hours, what’s the best time of the day to call?
answer: call during the middle of the day. you’ll have a better chance to catching her voicemail which ultimately means less conversation. with any luck you will be able to set something up without ever having to talk to her
note: never call after 9.00 pm. late night phone calls are the province of the booty call and only the booty call.
see article 92: regarding keeping booty calls at a safe distance fur further alloborations.

question: i’ve always heard you wait three days. why does the bro code specify four?
answer: if you always heard that a bro should wait three days before calling, you can bet the women have too. by waiting and extra day; you make a chick feel special.

article 40: should a bro become stricken with engagement, his other bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. this is more commonly known as "a bachelor party."

article 41: a bro never cries.

exceptions: watching field of dreams, et or a sports legend retire. but only the first time he retires.

article 42: upon greeting another bro, a bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or a bro hug, but never a full embrace.

article 43: a bro loves his country, unless that country isn't america.

article 44: a bro never applies sunscreen to another bro.

exception: if the bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.

article 45: a bro never wears jeans to a strip club.

why a bro never wear jeans to a strip club?

1) cloth pockets are roomier and elastic allowing for a thicker wad of cash.
2)denim clashes with the club’s leopard, zebra or other safari animal motif.
3) one word, two syllables, three hours in the er – zipper.
4) it’s a performance and deserves respect. these erotic dancers have practised tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of careographed art. whould you wear dingleries to ballet? [trick question: bros don’t watch ballet]
5) you don’t feel it as much on your kazoo.

article 46: if a bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the in-flight movie is 27 dresses. see article 35: a bro never rents a chick flick.

article 47: a bro never wears pink. not even in europe.

article 48: a bro never publicly reveals how many chicks he's banged.
corollary: a bro also never reveals how many chicks another bro has banged.

article 49: when asked, "do you need some help?" a bro shall automatically respond, "i got it." whether or not he's actually got it.

exceptions: carrying an expensive tv, parallel parking an expensive car and loading an expensive tv on to an expensive car.

article 50: if a bro should accidentally strike another bro's undercarriage with his arm while walking, both bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.

article 51: a bro checks out another bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down. if you can’t get a bro visually scope your blind date beforehand there is a way to at least learn how promiscuous she’ll be: have her choose the date vanue.

blind date translations:

she suggests dance club.
promisculity level: 10 she’ll be scentelly clad, smelly and impossible to hear over the music. a+

she suggests drinks at a bar.
promisculity level: 7 she’ll be a lot of fun or emotionally unstable. promising either way.

she suggests fancy restaurant.
promisculity level: 3 she’ll be boring. if she expects someone to pepper her salad and refilled her napkin, it’s stands to reason to she’ll be pretty lifeless in the bedroom.

she suggests meet the parents.
promisculity level: 1 she’ll be untouchable, but maybe her mom isn’t.

she suggests miniature golf.
promisculity level: 5 she’ll be way too competetive or a lesbian and the not hot kind of lesbian.

she suggests church.
promisculity level: 0 or 10 she’ll be looking for marriage or looking for sinning up before confession. toss up.

article 52: a bro is not required to remember another bros birthday, though a phone call every now and again probably wouldn't kill him.

article 53: even in a drought, a bro flushes twice.

article 54: a bro is required to go out with his bros on st. paddy's day and other official bro holidays, including halloween, new year's eve, and desperation day (february 13th)

bro-etry corner:
there was a young lass from killarney,
who promised a gentleman named arnie,
that she only was his
though a fat lie this is,
'cause last night she was screaming o'barney.

i was in love with a chick named pam,
who showed me pics of her fam,
pretty cute cat,
but her mom was fat,
so i dumped her that night on the tram.

article 55: even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another bro.

article 56: a bro is required to alert another bro if the bro/chick ratio at a party falls below 1:1. however, to avoid bro-flation, a bro is only allowed to alert one bro. further, a bro may not speculate on the anticipated bro/chick ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.

article 57: a bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another bro unless that bro has thrice confirmed he wants to hear it.

article 58: a bro doesn't grow a moustache.

exception number 1: while shaving it’s more than ok for a bro to keep the whiskers around his mouth till the end so that he might temporarily experiment with different facial hair configurations.

exception number 2: tom selleck

article 59: a bro must always post bail for another bro, unless it's out of state or, like, crazy expensive

(crazy expensive bail >(years you've been bros) x $100)

article 60: a bro shall honor they father and mother, for they were once bro and chick. however, a bro never thinks of them in that capacity.

article 61: if a bro for whatever reason becomes aware of another bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his bro, regardless of whether he thinks his bro already knows. chicks seem to think annual events other than halloween, st. patty’s day and desperation day (the day before valentine’s day) are worthy celebration. i don’t know why either but i do know if you become involved with a women for more than the occational toss in the hai which is expressly not adviced you’ll need to be able to recall certain annual events with relative accuaracy.

dates that chicks finds important:

her birthday: she’ll remind you, three weeks before by pointing out jewellery.
anniversary of the first date: she’ll remind you, happily the day off.

marriage anniversary: she’ll remind you, angrily next day.

children’s birthdays: she’ll remind you, at your divorce trial.

grey’s anatomy season premier: she’ll remind you, in the middle of a playoff game.

article 62: in the event that two bros lock on to the same target, the bro who calls dibs first has dibs. if both call dibs at the same time, the bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. if both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the bro who bought the last round of drinks has dibs. if they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two bros has dibs. if they're the same height, the bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet broshambo (rock, paper, scissors for bros) shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there.

article 63: a bro will make any and all efforts to provide his bro with protection. bro-tection forms a central pillar or, more accurately, a plastic coating for the central pillar of the bro way of life.

while not legally or physically responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow bro becomes infected with a disease. some of which, such as children, can last an entire lifetime.
in the event that one bro finds himself lacking the necessary prophylactic accoutrements needed to complete the act of coitus in a safe and effective manner, he is in the right to expect another bro will use all measures within or without his means to provide the aforementioned prophylactic in a timely yet discreet fashion. when a bro signals his need using previously agreed upon code words and/or body signage, it is understood that his bro will discontinue all present activity [excepting the act of coitus itself [whereby which bro vows to finish as quickly as possible]], in order to respond with a panoply of options at bro-in-need's location. a bro must patronize the most rapid method of transportation available while endeavoring to assist his bro. in no instance may a two-wheeled bicycle be used* as this is not only humiliating, but also potentially harmful to the perineum - a zone of tissue perilously adjacent to noted sexual organs. in the event that a state, federal, international, or galactic law is breached due to recklessness, unacceptable levels of speed, and/or the hijacking of an airborne vehicle(s), it is understood that the primary bro will shoulder any associated legal fees or fines. however, any costs or damages incurred from the use of public transportation are the responsibility of the secondary bro alone as this is an instance of quid pro bro. upon arrival at the primary bro's location, the secondary bro must exercise complete discretion so as not to disrupt the primary bro's "flow." or bro-jo once the primary bro has been supplied with the necessary prophylactic(s), the brocedure is deemed complete upon exchange of the traditional, though in this case silent, "high five." tacit in this unspoken ritual is the understanding that said episode will never be spoken of again, unless it's part of an awesome story. “ [and bro code allows me to edit code itself by its needs and in order to check if its on another blogs posts this as the complete bro code, the gambit name must be announced. like, until noticed.]

article 64: a bro must provide his bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second bro's favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.

article 65: a bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among bros. exception: a bro is off the hook if his bro orders a drink that arrives with an umbrella in it.

article 66: if a bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, his bros shall offer nothing more than a “ah,that sucks, man” and copious quantities of beer.to eliminate the possibility of any awkward moments in the future his bro’s will also refrain from pejorative commentary - deserved or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite backslide window has fully closed.

article 67: should a bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another bro shall point out that he is a tool.

article 68: if a bro be on hot streak, another bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent.

exception: dry spell trumps hot streak.

article 69: d’uh.

article 70: a bro will drive another bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. he is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his bro's trip or general well-being.

article 71: as a courtesy to bros the world over, a bro never brings more than two other bros to a party.

three bros are cool: three amigos, three musketeers, the police, apollo 13 astronauts and the three stooges.
exception: hansen

four bros are lame: mount rushmore, the fantastic four (feature film version), the monkeys, olympic bobsled team, michael jordan’s team mates.
exception: the beatles

bro-etry corner:
one bro makes a solo attack
a second bro provides a crutch,
a third bro rounds out the pack,
but a fourth bro is one too much

article 72: a bro never spell-checks.

article 73: when a group of bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. when the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each bro shall act upset rather that enormously relieved.

article 74: at a red light, a bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. that way if another bro is several cars behind, he'll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again.

article 75: a bro automatically enhances another bro's job description when introducing him to a chick. chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity and sometimes, with the help of extensive make-up and structural lingerie, even their body shape. as such, it is a fair game for bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their bro-fession. it’s also smart: a bro’s career is to a chick, what a chick’s boobs are to a bro.

article 76: if a bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say "i love you" he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic barry white-esque tone.

article 77: bros don't cuddle.

article 78: a bro shall never rack jack his wingman.

rack jack: to steal your wingman’s chick.[big time, no-no] to commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between the bro and his wingman, it is recommended that before going out, each face the other, place his left hand on the bro code, raise his right hand, and recite the wingman pledge.

the wingman pledge
i shall up hold the bro code to the fullest of my ability.
i will never allow my wingman to go home with less than a six.
i agree to swap rounds of drinks with my wingman. even if i keep getting stuck with shots.
i will never rack jack my wingman, no mattter how hot the chick.
i pedge to never leave a wingman behind when invited to a party.
if my wingman meets a hot chick with an ugly friend, i will jump on the grenade.!!
if my wingman gets rejected by a chick, i shall unequivically agree that she sucked anyway,even if i thought she seemed kind of cool and interesting.
should my wingman strike up a conversation with a chick of a questionable legal age, i will endeavour to retain and vertify her birth date.
if i discover evidence that my wingman's chick is in a relationship, i shall make that information available to him,unless it's pretty clear the boyfriend/husband isn't there.
i shall honor and respect the dibs system.

article 79: at a wedding, bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. whichever bro gets stuck with the garter shall light-heartedly pretend he's not mortified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots. [open bar only]

corollary: if a bro’s date should catch the bouquet, he shall act excited if he wishes to sleep with her again. before scurrying the bar, to join the garter bro for a very stiff drink and/or shots.

article 80: a bro shall make every effort possiable to aid another bro in riding the tricycle (engaging in a threesome), short of completing the tricycle himself.

rules for riding a tricycle:

1) the aggregate age of all the three participants shall not exceed 83 years.
2) the aggregate weight of all three participants shall be less than 400 pounds, 184,4 kilograms.
3) no money or other consolidations may exchanged for the services rendered.
4) pregnant women shall consult their physician before riding the tricycle.
5) no wheel of the tricycle shall be within 3 branches of anothers family tree
6) no black-soled sneakers
7) female participants shall refrain from destroying the illusion that this is new to them.
8) kitchen appliances and other electrical devices are strictly forbidden.
9) participants must shower before riding the tricycle and definitely after.

article 81: a bro leaves the toilet seat up for his bros.

article 82: if two bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to take it back or apologize to make amends. that's inhuman.

article 83: a bro shall, at all costs, honor the platinum rule: never, ever, ever, ever " love" thy neighbor. in particular, a bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.

exceptions: co-worker is an 8 or better, you are co-worker’s superior, co-worker dresses a little slutty, getting fired from a job not such a bad thing. company recently sued for sexual harassment, unlikely to happen again, someone makes a bet that you can’t, you are switching floors soon, you and co-worker get stuck in elevator,you hit the emergency button and get stuck in the elevator with the co-worker, co-worker going to be fired or soon will be after you sabotaged co-worker’s files, you mixed it up with co-worker before becoming co-workers, co-worker hits on you, in a little bit on a rut (romantically speaking), co-worker going through divorce, co-worker looking pretty good lately, co-worker not offended when you accidently e-mail provocative self pictures to office.

article 84: a bro shall stop whatever he's doing and watch die hardif it's on tv.

corollary: ditto the shawshank redemption.

corollary: also top gun, the big lebowski and the first half of full metal jacket.

corollary: and porn. d’uh.

article 85: if a bro buys a new car, he is required to pop the hood when showing it off to his bros.

corollary: his bros are required to whistle, even if they don’t have any idea what they are whistling at.

article 86: when a bro meets a chick he shall endeavor to find out where she fits on the hot/crazy scale before pursuing her.

the theory of evolution alleges that men evolved from monkeys but what about women? it seems that as men became less hairy, more upright, and less interested in throwing their own poo, women became more attractive but somehow more crazy. today’s chicks like to straddle the line between hot and crazy: the hotter they are, the crazier they are; the crazier they are, the hotter they seem. all of this is confusing to a bro and, very often, dangerous. how is a bro to know whether a chick is hot and crazy in a “let’s duck into the bathroom” kind of way, or hot and crazy in a “let’s huff paint and stalk your ex-girlfriends” kind of way? fortunately, i’ve devised a test that allows bros to quickly determine where a chick fits on the hot/crazy scale. you can get this test and hot/crazy scale in that pdf file, yeah. for each chickanswer yes or no to each question in the columns, add up your “yes” answers, and then plot the coordinates on the hot/crazy scale. ideally, your chick is right on the line, but if she’s anywhere above it, run away.

article 87: a bro never questions another bro's stated golf score, maximum bench press, or height. he can however, ask the bro to prove it, traditionally in the form of a wager.

article 88: if a bro, for whatever reason must drive another bro's car, he shall not adjust the preprogrammed radio stations, the mirrors, or the seat position, even if this last requirement results in the bro trying to drive the vehicle as a giant praying mantis would.

article 89: a bro shall always say yes in support of a bro. when out and about, you must be prepared to affirm anything a bro tells a chick. “yes, he’s single.” “yes, we’re navy seals.” “yes, he invented facebook.” while this usually entails stretching the truth about personal wealth, athletic prowess, or the ability to operate various aircraft, on occasion you’ll be required to pretend you’re from out of town. if you can stomach dressing up like someone’s dad, pretending to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks, for help to coming up with a believable backstory, refer to filling in the blank how to sound like a tourist form in the pdf file.

article 90: a bro shows up at another bro's party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. so if a bro plans on chugging a six pack, he shall bring a six pack plus at least one can of beer. if the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.

article 91: if a group of bros suspect that their bro is trying to give himself a nickname, they shall rally to call him by an adjacent yet more demeaning nickname.

article 92: a bro keeps his booty calls at a safe distance. to maintain the purity of such a beautiful , anonymous and vapid relationship a bro never becomes emotionally attached to his booty call.

how to keep a booty call, a booty call?

don’t by her anything. not even a drink.
why? gifts imply consideration and forethought. a booty call should never feel like more than a reflexive impulse like a sneeze or a gag.

don’t refer to your booty call, booty call.
why? some human beings, particularly women, like to think to there is more to sex than sex.

don’t stick around after sex.
why? a booty call is strictly business. once the transaction has taken place anything is else is superflous, inefficient and awkward.

don’t call again if your booty call doesn’t respond that night.
why? two calls imply something bad happened. like you’ve been diagnosed by an std or want to take her out on a date.

don’t call more than twice a month.
why? in some countries this is considered marriage.

don’t think about her before midnight.
why? idle thoughts can lead to a relationship.

don’t agree to meet on any other night than when you call.
why? that is called a date.

article 93: bros don't speak french to each other.

article 94: if a bro is in the bathroom and runs out of toilet paper, another bro may toss him a new roll, but at no point may their hands touch or the door open more than 30 degrees from fully closed.

article 95: a bro shall alert another bro to the presence of a chesty woman regardless of whether he knows the bro or not. such alerts may not be administered verbally. (the shoes tap, the eye redirect, the swift shin kick *d cups and up only, please*)

article 96: bros shall go camping once a year, or at least attempt to start a fire.

note: attempt to start a fire outside.

article 97: where a bro went to college is going to kick his bro's college's ass all over the field this weekend.

article 98: a bro never lies to his bros about the hotness of chicks at a given social venue or event.

the bro who cried "hot chicks”

there once lived a bro who would text his bros: "hot chicks in the bar tonight!" when his bros would arrive to wingman him, he would laugh at them for there were no hot chicks, just, like, alot of dudes or something. the bro did this a couple of times because he thought it was hysterical -and it kind of is- until one night he walked to the bar to discover a hawaiian tropic calendar shoot taking place. the bro texted his bros in terror: "dudes, seriously need a wingman right now! hot chick calendar shoot!" but this time his bros paid no heed to his cry, nor did they leave their video game marathon to assist him. the bro tried to score a bikini babe on his own, but with no wingman, he was torn to pieces by the entire flock.
there is no believing a bro who lies about hot chicks. even when he speaks the truth.

article 99: a bro never asks for directions when lost.

exception: a bro may as for directions for a hot chick who seems to know the area.

exception: a bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if she also appears lost.

exception: a bro may ask for directions from a hot chick even if he himself is not lost at all.

article 100: when pulling up to a stoplight, a bro lowers his window so that all might enjoy his music selection.

corollary: if there happens to be a hot chick driving the car next to the bro, the bro shall pull his sunglasses down to get a better look. if he's not wearing his sunglasses, he will first put them on, then pull them down to get a better look.

article 101: if a bro asks another bro to keep a secret, he shall take that secret to his grave and beyond if the bro discovers there is indeed life after death. this is what makes them bros, not chicks.

note: a woman’s lust of gossip is matched only by her passion to have babies and accessories. as such a bro should take heat when divulging divulging divulging a secret to a married bro.

article 102: a bro shall take great care in selecting and training his wingman. check out the wingman application in the pdf file.

article 103: a bro never wears socks with sandals. he commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks with it.

article 104: the mom of a bro is always off-limits. but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing; provided she looks good in it; but not if she smokes menthol cigarettes. be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another bro's mother. it is, however, allowed and encouraged for one bro to graphically suggest to a bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. [nota bene: it is customary for a bro to avoid such brocularity if his bro's mom is a 9 or better, for fear of oedipal inducement.] should a bro discover his bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his bro's adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative dioxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is most convient.

article 105: if a bro is not invited to another bro's wedding, he doesn't make a big deal out of it, even if, let's face it, he was kind of responsible for setting up the couple up and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. it’s cool. no big whoop.

article 106: given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his bros, a bro always selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night.

article 107: a bro never leaves another bro hanging. besides the obvious health hazards inherent in keeping an arm aloft for an extended period of time, the emotional effects of leaving a bro out to dry in public can be devastating. if you ever see; a bro, even one you don’t know, looking around frantically with a paw held high in the air, throw him a brone and hit him up top. illustrations for some common bro fives can be found in that wacky old pdf file.

article 108: if a bro forgets a guy's name he may call him "brah","dude", or "man" but never "bro".

article 109: when bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the jumbotron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.

article 110: if a bro is hitting it off with a girl, his bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome. you and your bros will undoubtably face many seemingly inmountable challenges to score a one night stand.
here are some technics to make them mountable:

troubleshooting the one night stand:

problem: i forget her name
fix: have a bro to introduce himself and listen closely.
note: choose your ugliest bro.

problem: she rejeceted my drink offer.
fix: offer her breakfast in bed as an alternative. if she doesn’t acting like a yes. say you’re kidding.

problem: she’s having a girls night out
fix: identify and target the reason for the girls night out. the recently dumped chick.

problem: the lights came on. she’s ugly.
fix: squint hard. if she asks you forget your glasses or deeply concerned about the environment or something..

article 111: if a bro discovers another bro has forgotten to sign out of his email the bro will sign out for him, but only after first sending a few angry emails to random contacts and then deleting all sent messages.

article 112: a bro doesn't sing along to music in a bar.

exception: a bro may participate in karaoke.

exception to exception: but no chick songs.

article 113: a bro abides by the accepted age-difference formula when pursuing a younger chick

acceptable age difference formula:

chick's age is greater than or equals than guy's age divided by 2 plus 7. this formula limits crafty old timers from scooping up all the younger hotties. while also preventing bros from seeing a crusty old man with a hot chick and being forced to imagining them to getting it on in adjustible bed. for easy access print the wallet sized age difference reference chart in the pdf.

article 114: if a bro must crash on his bro's couch for an extended period of time, he shall offer to split the cost of toilet paper and the cable bill if said period exceeds two weeks. if he stays longer than a month, he shall offer to contribute some rent. if he stays longer than two months, he shall steam clean the couch or have it incinerated, whichever is more applicable.

article 115: a "clothing optional" beach doesn't really mean "clothing optional" for bros.

article 116: a bro shall not kill another bro or that bros’ chances to score with a chick. every bro in endevoured with a right to life and a right to pursue hot chicks. violating either of this god-given rights is a heinous offence that could result strictest penalty recognized in the bro code: “loss of permanent shotgun status.”

article 117: a bro never willingly relinquishes possession of a remote control. if another bro desires a channel change, he may verbally request one or engage in the fools errand of getting up to manually change the channel.

corollary: it is fully expected that a bro will try anything to gain possession of the remote upto and including an attempt to flatulate his bro or bros out of the room.

article 118: when a bro is with his bros, he is not a vegetarian.

article 119: when three bros must share the backseat of a car, it is unacceptable for any bro to put his arm around another bro to increase space. likewise, it is unacceptable for two bros to share a motorcycle, unless said motorcycle is equipped with a sidecar...a brotorcycle.

article 120: a bro always calls another bro by his last name.

exception: if a bro’s last name is also a racial epithet.

article 121: even if he's never skied before, a bro doesn't trifle with the bunny slope.

corollary: if a bro experiences a catastrophic wipeout, he can always blame his bindings or the conditions.

article 122: a bro is always psyched. always. if you having troubles to getting psyched or need to get a bro psyched. you can always make yourself a get psyched mix.

classic get psyched songs:

you give love a bad name – bon jovi
i wanna rock – twisted sister
the humpty dance – digital underground
don’t stop believin – journey
you’re the best around – joe esposito
lick it up – kiss
paradise city – guns’n roses
tom sawyer – rush
the transformers theme – optimus prime
dancing with myself – billy idol
rock you like a hurricane – scorpions
come sail away – styx
freebird (second half only) - lynyrd skynyrd
panama – van halen
jessie’s girl – rick springfield
talk dirty to me - poison
thunderstruck - ac/dc
high enough – damn yankees
hip hop hooray – naughty by nature
dr. feelgood – motley crue
round and round - ratt

article 123: two bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from "beat it" which, i guess, two bros shouldn't do anyway, or at least not very often.

article 124: if a bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while browling (heh), he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.

article 125: if a bro is driving ahead of another bro in a bro-train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.

article 126: in a scenario where two or more bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another bro in any capacity. this may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump or the congratulatory gluteal pat. winking is also kind of a no-no.

article 127: a bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination or sports team. even in a laundry emergency, its preferred that a bro go out half naked rather than violate this code ehh, half naked from the waist up, naturally.

article 128: a bro will always help another bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the bro repeatedly saying "i love you, man" to all his bros.

mac or memory assistance and/or correction:

often comes into play around the holidays because when people gather together with loved ones, the need to drink alcohol increases exponentially. halloween is a time when bros are especially susceptible to memory loss due to the lethal combination of abundant sweet things, liquor, and of course, candy. in fact, one year i awoke with four new phone numbers but no idea who gave them to me. fortunately, based on the times i saved the numbers into my phone and a few hazy memories of the four different costumes i wore at the party the night before, i was able to create a logic matrix. which you can see in the pdf file i dressed up as a viking, a ninja, teddy roosevelt, and of course my old standby, gandhi, and in each costume i picked up a different chick: a slutty nun, a slutty cinderella, a slutty slut, and a slutty some- kind-of-creature with ears and a tail two work out the puzzle, put an “x” in the box when you’ve ruled it out based on the clues. for example, clue 1 says i didn’t wake up in my ninja costume, so the ninja/2:21 am box is already crossed out.

hint: some clues will allow you to put an “x” in more than one box. good luck.

article 129: if a bro lends another bro a dvd, a video game, or a piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.

article 130: if a bro learns another bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his bro is okay.

article 131: while a bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. if he needs to consult the car's ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he'll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives.

article 132: if a bro decides to let all of his bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancée and results in a "no sex" penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ. a bride thinks wedding day as the happiest day of her life. a groom thinks of his wedding day as the saddest. his marriage signifies the death of broing out with his bros. but there is a simple way for the grooms to sent his bros out with the bang. bridesmaids! squeezed into identical ugly dresses bridesmaids have one goal: to get out of them. studies have shown that a coctail of jealousy, bros in formal wear and ..well coctails, makes bridesmaids one of the most accessable chicks on planet.

article 133: a bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other bro.

exception: pull my finger.

article 134: a bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman. since the dawn of the man bros have spoken in hushed tones about a wingman with powers so awesome. one wing could summon a dozen hotties in your side. im speaking of course about the wingwoman. think of it, if your wingman already knows about what women want to hear, isn’t that the advantage far greater than having a lot of money, full head of hair or even a speedboat? yes, and the best part is wingwomen do exist to acquire one though you need to overcome the sexist misconsemptions used to scare chicks away to helping bros bang other chicks.

the wingwoman, true or false?

a wingwomanhas to pee too much.
false a chicks bladder is smaller but easier to control. how else gonna the theatre full of chicks sit through the lake house (ah)

a wingwoman never buys drinks.
truebut your expenses are offset by other dudes buying her drinks.

a wingwoman is districted by gossip.
false what bros see as high pitch pruddle, women read as a complex discussion held in body language.

a wingwoman will be seem like my girlfriend.
true but nothing attracts women more than a dude with a girlfriend.

article 135: if a scenario arises in which a bro has promised two of his bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot:
1. foot race to the car,
2. silent auction or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles,
3. a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.

article 136: when interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a bro shall offer nothing more than a disinterested "it was okay".

corollary: a bro can never bring a camera back from a bachelor party. the only memento a bro is allowed to bring back is something that can be destroyed by penicillin.

article 137: when hosting, a bro orders enough pizza for all his bros.

article 138: a real bro doesn't laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin.

exception: unless he doesn't know the guy.

article 139: regardless of veracity, a bro never admits familiarity with a broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, "broadway" begins with "bro".

article 140: a bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date.

the lemon law:

the lemon law is a little-known dating loophole that allows a bro to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. how many times has a bro set you up with a blind date who winds up looking like the unmasked predator? now, with the lemon law, you no longer need to sit through that kind of torture or waste any of the predator’s time. simply present your date with a lemon law card, which you can print out with pdf and you’re out the door.

article 141: a bro can only get a manicure if (a) he's trying to sleep with the hot asian woman performing the manicure, or (b) its been longer than a month since his last manicure. its called the bro code, not the slob code.

article 142: a bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.

article 143: when executing a high five a bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers or grasping his bro's hand.

bro-etry corner
hi-five cue
one two three four five.
raise each one high in the air.
smack and release, bro..

article 144: it is unacceptable for two bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. if it's still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wresting (not on the bed) to determine who sleeps under the covers. once decided each bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night.

article 145: a bro is never offended if another bro fails to return a phone call, text or email in a timely fashion.

article 146: a bro refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to his bros. providing graphic detail unconsciously forces your bros to picture you naked and there is no coming back from that.

how detailed can you get?

level: vauge sample dialouge: “got laid last night.” acceptable? yes

level: moderate sample dialouge: “totally got laid last night.” acceptable? yes

level: specific sample dialogue: “she put on her #$£#½ to my £#$£#$ which made my #$£#$½, £½@#$@, £#$½@½ly.” acceptable? noo.

article 147: if a bro sees another bro get into a fight, he immediately has his bro's back.

exception: if his bro has picked a fight with a scary looking guy.

exception: if this is the third fight (or more) his bro has gotten into that week.

exception: if the bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody's back.

article 148: a bro doesn't listen to chick music...in front of other bros. when alone, a bro may listen to, say, a sarah mclachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyches, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.

article 149: a bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars.

article 150: no sex with your bro's ex. it is never - ever permissible for a bro to sleep with his bro’s ex. violating this code is worse than killing a bro.

amendments

amendment i: a bro is entitled to have sex with his bro's ex if she initiates it, she is really hot, or his bro is out of town, or in a different room.

amendment ii: if a bro writes and directs a trilogy of awesome space themed saga is that defined a generation’s childhood, he is forbidden from later tarnishing that legacy by crapping out a prequel trilogy that forces his bros to specify episodes iv to vi or real trilogy when referencing what was perfect series of movies, regardless of how anyone feels about ewoks.

amendment iii: should a bro become awere that a bro has reaaaly hot siste (9 and up) she is no longer protected under article 19: a bro shall not sleep with another bro’s sister. that said a bro should re-evulated if the sister kind of resembles his bro in a wig.

amendment iv: a bro shall never turn away bro who shows up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.

amendment v: if your bro finds himself living with a chick it is no longer acceptable to you to show up uninvited at his door with a box of porn.

amendment vi: okay, so if a bro desperetely needs to stash his porn somewhere he is allowed to show up uninvited at his bros door with a box of porn even if hes bro is living with a chick. since the bros connection with his porn undoubtedly constitutes an older and more meaningful relationship the box of porn is a forthed right way over the living girlfriend despite the box of porn’s inabilty to get super-pissed and hold sex for the night.

amendment vii: a bro may toss bro code out of the window if scandanavian twins are involved in any capacity.

amendment viii: a bro is allowed to play the air guitar provided that air guitar is made of plastic and connected to a video game system.

amendment ix: a bro is allowed to publish bro code if he stands to make a profit on it.

violations:

violations of the bro code may result in a fine of up to $250,000 or in some cases, permanent dis-broment. unresolved disputes over the bro code may be submitted va email to the international court of bros at barneystinson@barneysblog.com, provided such disputes include pictures of chicks involved. but only if they're hot -the chicks, not the disputes.

there is no greater affront to the spirit of the bro code than a willing violation. while occasionally a bro may err due to inebration, a momentary lapse of judment, or a chick is so hot that other bros would say "he didn't really have a choice," any premeditated infraction of the bro code is inexcusable. when a bro violates the bro code, he hurts not only his bros but also himself, because he is no longer bro worthy.

it's important to note that there are no tenets of the bro code that cannot be discussed in confidence with another bro, and would urge a bro to seek permission from another bro before doing something, or someone, that he feels might violate this sacred code.

note: a great time to get the permission of a bro is when he/she is super drunk.. like almost passed out.

if and when a violation occurs, a bro has the right to administer the offending bro a level of punishment befitting the infraction. he may choose from the approved punishments list.

"revocation of wingman status"
“text block-out”
“designated all-time tip leaver”
“assigned to solar reflection seat in living room”
“removal from the inappropriate e-mail forwards list”
“water boarding”
“temporary black list barbeques / football sundays”
“loss of permanent shutgun”
“bump from top position on not used season tickets list.”
“removal from holiday card mailing list”
“airport pick up/drop up privileges revoked.”
“must help offended bro help move furniture”
“temporary removal from usual golf foursome”
“must return stuff loaned from offended bro, even stuff he thinks bro forgot about”
“no longer allowed to borrow the truck”
“the offended bro no longer required to bring beer over”

(the gambit - 31 Ocak 2009 22:11)